It's been fun.

It has been a long while since I have written.
The last few months have been full of promise, change, reflection, heartbreak and smiles. All messy and tangled in this scrambly head of mine as I try to figure out; what next?
Sounds like big drama? It's not. It is just that slow and endless process of growing.
Maybe that is the point. For whatever the emotion of the moment, (and holy shit, it does feel like it is a change'n moment to moment) the big picture is good. We are responsible for our selves. Life isn't an accident. Sometimes the best choices are the hardest. Knowing that while it hurts like nothing I have ever felt right now, the only way to get closer to what I want, is this. Is to do this right now. And hope. For what you ask?
Just hope.

I started this blog when my life took a big change; when I moved up north. Now two and a half years later; things are changing again.
This time... thoughts on the inside.

Soul food.

Yoga class tonight. Room is hot, humid and dimly lit. Smells like clean bodies and sounds like breath. Our teacher says as she opens the night's practice;
"Find that sweet spot..."

This somehow took hold and settled into me and I smiled, hands over heart, all breath and beats. That smile on my lips held soflty for the hour and the unsettled and wanting feeling of these last few days was briefly satiated.

Made me think of one of my favorite good nights. 'Slaap Lekker" (yes, in part on account of the speaker), but also for the sensation it generates. Basically it means sleep yummy. A delicious thought; to leave the sweet spot, still warm inside and settle for yummy sleep.

I am full.

Pictures

A few pics. This will have to suffice for an update for now. Haven't found my words yet.

Here.

Here is Calgary.
Here is this funny place in time and literal space where I am unsettled and getting settled all at once.

At a loss for words

(yeah when does that ever happen for me?)
Last shift today.
Had made a deal with myself; two yrs. I started Aug.4th 2006. Two years plus one day. I feel like I have done whatever it was I came here to do.
Am officially onto the next adventure.
Oh holy shit.
Sad and excited in an equal mix. When head settles a little I will say more.
For now it's just thank-you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

As I purged things from my wee apartment I looked through old photo albums... thinking to myself it is not necessary to keep every picture I have ever taken.

There were pics of Teaka as a puppy- some 11yrs ago. I was surprised to find that she has not always had white in her muzzle. In my memory she did. I thought time had just made the white a little grey. I remember correcting mama when she noted that Teaka looked awful grey. I see her everyday, the changes tiny increments over time, ...one little hair at a time my puppy has become and old dog. (Still such a good dog)

Made me wonder is this not the same with the people we love? Is that why distance is so hard? We see the changes only after separation. Absence makes us acutely aware of the passage of time?

Hardly new, but true as ever; "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Every once and a while I'm reminded... Love doesn't see big ears or wrinkles; or it does and finds them charming. The grey, the few less hairs; a reminder of a shared history.

A happy post

Oh merrily purging. Life will fit in truck save for the odd box or two. This is surprisingly satisfying!
Making lists (which I avoid as a rule) and crossing shit off. Can one write as item #1. Make a list. stroke. ??
Should keep at it.